Ahhh, it's been a while since I've read the Kingkiller Chronicle, but I enjoyed this take on Denna. I think you really captured that sense of panic and being closed in with the way you repeat key phrases ("Breathe in, breathe out") and her talking about freedom as less than idyllic. I also liked how you showed her trying to move the harp and hurting herself in the effort, and how even the things she's given aren't truly hers to move or use as she pleases.
There are a few typos, but I think concrit wise I'm more interested in how you break up your paragraphs. That last long paragraph is very dense, which makes it a little harder to read. I usually break up my paragraphs by scene, character, or thought to help things flow, but obviously there's also personal taste and style.
This is a pretty tight 3rd person POV you have, but there are a few places where it loses focus. For 3rd person POV, IMO, there's a tighter feel when we remove filtering words like 'knew' or 'felt' and rephrase them as facts from the POV character, or when we keep it squarely in their own head.
Example: Her eyes flashed with anger.
From Denna's POV, would she be aware of how her eyes looked?
Thank you for sharing this short story, and I hope you choose to write more in whatever fandoms you enjoy!
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branchandroot
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Date: 2018-12-05 08:17 pm (UTC)There are a few typos, but I think concrit wise I'm more interested in how you break up your paragraphs. That last long paragraph is very dense, which makes it a little harder to read. I usually break up my paragraphs by scene, character, or thought to help things flow, but obviously there's also personal taste and style.
This is a pretty tight 3rd person POV you have, but there are a few places where it loses focus. For 3rd person POV, IMO, there's a tighter feel when we remove filtering words like 'knew' or 'felt' and rephrase them as facts from the POV character, or when we keep it squarely in their own head.
Example: Her eyes flashed with anger.
From Denna's POV, would she be aware of how her eyes looked?
Thank you for sharing this short story, and I hope you choose to write more in whatever fandoms you enjoy!